things haven't been going my way this weekend, for some reason.
<P>i am just feeling rather bad, in general, and i'm not sure exactly why, but i'm not liking it much and i hope it's temporary.  i just feel like there is a lot of stuff i'm meant to control and take care of and i'm not doing a very good job of taking care of it.  i'm sort of paralyzed and stuck for a little while.
<P>i figure it's only temporary, but i'm certainly not enjoying it.
<P>anyway, i don't have much to say right now, but i felt like i wanted to say something.
{title=bad stretch}



and etc.  i know "busy" is getting old, but at least i'm not blathering on about being depressed right now.<P>glad that's over for the moment.
<P>okay, so school started up and things are going fairly well.  other than hating to get up early in the morning and getting frustrated with the idiots around me, i really do love my job, so the return to school was not horribly painful.  god knows, i spent enough time here this summer, anyway!
<P>what WAS horribly painful is the fact that i put a dent in my volvo on labor day weekend.  didn't help the depression, i can tell you that!  i broke my tail-light and knocked off a bit of the bummper that sticks up on the top.  god, that broke my heart!  and the fact that it was totally my fault didn't help anything, either.
<P>let's other news, i went to bonfante gardens a couple of weeks ago with cati and had a lovely time.  <P>circus trees, man.  <P>i'm telling you.<P>i read a fairly enjoyable novel called <I>thinks</I>, by david lodge...<P>spent hours and hours watching the entire series of <I>twin peaks</I>, followed by <I>fire walk with me</I>, which i didn't enjoy nearly so much, probably for lack of pie references.  well, that and the fact that things didn't seem to make any sense, but that was probably my fault.
<P>i am extrememly broke right now, so that will probably cut back on my drinking, unless i decide to work my wiles on the old guys at the 3300 club--which i probably won't do...
<P>i spent a nice weekend with ann at her mom's place and we braved the ikea together...very exciting.  i am so envious that ann has her own house to look forward to.  why in the hell do i still live in SF, anyway?
<P>i think that's about it. 
<P>i got out of the habit of writing, but i will try to get back into it again.  maybe it will help me sort out the self-destructive infatuation i have on a ridiculously mysterious boy here in SF, who can't even seem to give me a straight answer as to what his NAME is.<P>oh, well.
{title=busy busy busy}



lately i've been having more than the usual amount of trouble with sleeping.  the odd thing is that this seems to make my dreams more vivid and more memorable when i actually DO get to sleep, though i never have time first thing in the morning to write them down.  i wake up, thinking,  "wow, that was so amazing.  i'll never forget that!" and then can only remember that i thought it was interesting, but i have no idea why when i finally settle down to think about it.
<P>last night i dreamt about a place with lots of pools of water...i was sitting in a hot tub with a friend of mine and two strangers, a man and a woman.  the man was hitting on me, but then the woman said something about something that made me ask the man if he was there at the hotel alone.  of course, he was with his wife and of course she has back in the room with their kid.
<P>i excused myself from the pool and was getting ready to leave the hotel and check out when i walked by another pool and it was full of koi as big as sharks!  there was a big dog barking at the fish and trying to grab them--he fell in the water and the bigger fish rammed into him, but it wasn't very violent--more like they were just teaching him a lesson.
<P>next i was on a bus with jeffrey--obviously a dream, as jeffrey doesn't ride busses.  he got off and i said goodbye and i ended up sitting next to this rather enormously fat man...he was very sad and put his head on my lap and cried.  i tried to be comforting.  i was distracted, however, by the man from the pool.  he had left his wife, apparently, and was looking for me.
<P>i've been distracted so many times from finishing this, perhaps i should just give it up for now and come back later.
{title=strange dreams}


this has been a pleasant weekend--just what i needed to recapture a little energy in my life, as i've been feeling so run-down lately.
<P>friday night i went over to allen and corey's for dinner and some card playing and substance abuse.  i've never actually abused any substances with allen, in our ten years plus friendship, so this was something new.  they were leading me astray, of course.  i am completely innocent.
<P>anyway, a lovely night of "spite and malice" in which we all won at least one game--yay for corey!  his first time!--and allen was the grand champion.
<P>saturday afternoon i went bead shopping with my friend peita.  as we were waiting for the J church, tony and siouxsie drove by, so i chatted with them for about five minutes until the train came and then peita and i went downtown to general bead, beyond beads and the pearl.  i was actually quite restrained and didn't buy very much, which is good, as i am totally broke, a point i occasionally forget, thanks to my credit cards.<P>
saturday afternoon i colored my hair and then saturday night i spent several hours finishing up <I>simply divine</I>, another novel by wendy holden, who wrote <I>farm fatatle</I>, which enjoyed very much.  she's quite clever and witty, though the male/female stuff is always predictable and a little irritating.  of course, even though i "reject" all this crap, i ended up feeling all wistful about my apparently permanent single status when i finished the book and went to sleep.
<P>slept wonderfully well, once i finally fell asleep, though i had some fairly disturbing dreams involving babies, "replacement models" for dead people and dead birds and rats and things being left in my maryjanes.  been dreaming a lot of my mom's old house--my old house!--in escalon lately.  i was thinking before i fell asleep that, since i moved all the furniture, now my head is facing west again, the way it did in the old house.  maybe that's what has started all this dreaming up again...
<P>today i didn't do a lot.  walked up to 24th street to buy some flax seed oil, hung around to talk to jeremy, but he was busy, so i came home and read <I>tuck everlasting</I> so i could really work up some ire about the new movie.
i've been listening to elf power--sometimes i forget how much i like them.
<P> and that's about it!  anubis is asleep in the sun on the floor behind me, i'm eating a salad and drinking cold peppermint tea and wondering what i will do with the rest of the evening.
<P>any ideas?



man, i had the worst morning today!  i went downstairs to dump my trash on the way out and someone had been in our garage, had gone through the storage closets down there--i didn't have mine locked, stupid me!--and had gone all through my car--the trunk was open, they opened my toolbox and everything.
i don't think they really took anything, but it is so creepy that someone was in there in the first place.<P>
then i walked out to the other car to drive to work and someone has peeled off my reg. stickers and i got a ticket for having out of date tabs!  i am going to be so pissed if they make me pay $25 because someone else fucked with my car.  someone is out to get me, i fear.
{title=bad morning}


okay, so yesterday i got up and dealt with the fact that my garage had been broken into and someone had gone through all my stuff, including the trunk of my car, all the papers in there--everything.  and then i also got a ticket because someone had stolen the sticker off my license plate on my car.  great.
<P>today i get to work and the very first thing i read is a handout on my health insurance.  now, before everyone tells me that my insurance is still way cheaper than theirs and blah blah blah, keep in mind that i work for a really low-paying district in one of the most expensive cities in the country...i know i don't have to, but i do...
<P>so, that said, even though dumb-ass second-rate kaiser's cost increase is only a little under 7%, compared to the other two providers' increases of between 30% and 35%, my prescription costs and copays for visits are going up just as much as their co-pay is doubling and my presciptions are going up by ten times!  it is true that health care costs are going way way up, but it doesn't seem fair that my increase for my crappy health care should be going up as much as people who might actually have half a chance at survival.  i suppose i could jump ships, but i have this "pre-existing condition" that makes me not want to leave my neurologist. 
<P>well, one good thing, the thought of the drugs going up so much made me finally make an appointment with the neurologist.  if i have to take the damn meds, at least i should pay as little as possible for them. 
<P>in other news, i had these strange, sad dreams about trying to photograph my dad and my grandmother, but they kept moving out of focus.  i really wanted to sort of commemorate them, but i just couldn't make it happen and it made me really sad.
<P>anyway, time to give a library orientation to a bunch of freshman.  later.
{title=it just gets better and better...}


went to the neurologist today and i think it went pretty well--for all the denial and delay, he says that the problems i'm having are probably just carpal tunnel syndrome that was started up by the residual nerve damage from the it's related, but the CIDP is probably still in remission.  good and bad news, as there isn't a lot to be done about the carpal tunnel problem, but at least i don't have to start taking all that medication again.  i was going to have to have the electric shock testing that they do to test nerve impulses, but the machine wasn't working properly, so i got off the hook.  he only poked me a couple of times.
<P>in other news, tonight is "back to school night" and i am sitting at my desk, fully prepared for the fact that no parents are ever coming in here, and yet i still had to drive back down to pacifica tonight to be here. <P>oh, well.   <P>
i took the opportunity to set up the darkroom and clean up the massive dustbunnies that have accumulated due to my lack of use...i made one quick print to make sure that everything is in order and then i came back down to my office.
<P>i've been trying to learn DBTextworks for my library class and i made one mistake that i wanted to go back and  change and i couldn't figure out how to do it, so i think i am abandoning ship for the night.  maybe i'll just chat and play video games instead.
{title=another day}


this has been a pleasant weekend...and i'm relieved, too, as last week was just utter crap.
<P>friday afternoon alice gave me a call, so we met at my place, caught up on news--meaning i complained about the various issues i had and she complained about her various issues--and then we ate some thai food at regent, came home and then decided to go out for drinks.  (well, i suppose it was a given, all along, but we rather decided <i>where</I> to go for drinks.)
<P>we spent a few hours drinking at the 3300 club and she filled me in on the shocking details of her secret past--god knows i have no secrets!--and we flirted with an amazingly handsome and sweet irish labor boy.  he was lovely, but not awfully sharp, i think.  mmmm.  yummy, though.  wouldn't mind giving him another go!
we went home around midnight--we both had class in the morning--and got some sleep.<P>
the next morning we got up for bagels and coffee at the place up the street and then we headed off to our various educational experiences, alice to CPR certification and me to san jose for my library information retrieval class. 
we discussed the pretty boys from the night before and it was a nice way to start the morning.  alice is great and i am glad that we met.
<P>class was interesting and i was only completely clueless for about 1/3 of the time--not too bad!  after class i went over to tony and siouxsie's and the three of us went out and ate way too much really really good indian food at this new place in san jose...their nan was amazing.  everything was amazing!  could barely stay awake to drive home that night, i was so full of good food...<P>
this morning peita called and we went off to berkeley to the bead shops.  we had breakie at a vegetarian place called "hungry joe's" and it was very old school hippie.  quite tasty, too!  they made this salsa with vinegar and carrots and about four kinds of peppers that was kick-ass.  when i got home from bead-land i did a little laundry and finished <I>skellig</I>, which was quite good...they are looking for another summer reading book for the freshman at the school, so i brought home a couple to read.  i like this one and i might recommend it, though i don't carry much weight with the english department anymore, i fear.
<p>now i am just sitting here, full of the leftover thai food and thinking about what i'm going to do with the evening...a little farming, maybe, and a hot bath later.  i think i am almost fortified enough to not fully dread this next week at school, even.
<P>we'll see how it goes!
{title=the weekend is over...}


i had a funny dream wherein my friend allen was sort of a stewardess on a fancy train or something...he was wearing what basically looked like a burlap shirt and a pair of fairly brief navy blue shorts.
{title=waitress in the sky}


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