last night i got myself involved in something that i didn't really want. i mean, i saw it coming and it seemed sort of inevitable, but i still wish i hadn't done it...

i went to the bar on my way home from the safeway, where i stopped to get quarters for laundry. i figured i'd have a drink and chat up patrick for a little while and then go home and do laundry, but it didn't quite work out exactly like that. as soon as i walked in, i noticed that alice's friend carlos was there. we've sat with him and had drinks and chatted several times and he's nice and all that, but i just knew when i saw him and i was alone that he was going to finally make some sort of move on me and i should have just turned around and slunk out right then, but i didn't. so i sat at the bar and we drank and chatted and finally, as i thought i was going to get away unscathed, he did ask me out and there was just no way i could say no nicely, so i said yes, even though i didn't want to. and the thing that is just sad and rotten all around is that guys like carlos--perfectly nice guys, but just guys that i'm not interested in--those guys always ask me out for a second date, no matter how scruffy i might look or how little i turn on the charm. it's just painful and ironic.

i could have all the second dates i wanted with the carloses of the world and maybe that's what i should shoot for, but why should i have to settle? i mean, is it so impossible that i should find someone with whom i have a mutual interest? i suppose it is, these days. in any case, i'm going out for dinner with carlos a week from tonight and i feel pretty low about it if he does like me and pretty weird about it, in general. how do you say "no" nicely? and is it better to say an insincere "yes" or what? god, now i have a week to dread it...i can tell what it's going to be like, as i've been there before. awkward, polite conversation. god, i can see myself holding out my hand to shake his at the end of the night. dodging a hug and a kiss. dancing away from the topic of another date. argh. i wish i were better at being direct, but i hate to think that i would hurt someone's feelings...but it's sooner or later.

okay. whatever! it's not like he's in love with me. maybe he's just looking to get laid. which is also not going to happen, but it's better than thinking that he really likes me, which is what i'm sort of afraid is the case.

today i went out for breakie with jeffrey and actually didn't smoke any pot or have a drink! well, actually, we did stop by 2223 and have what was supposed to be a raspberry lemonade after breakfast, but what actually seemed more like a vanilla vodka lemonade or something like that. i thought it was good, but it was a little tart for jeffrey.

after that, i walked jeffrey home and then i made my way up valencia, stopping to get flax seed oil and the last book of the spirited away manga. i was looking for another comic that is called something like "courtney crumin and the night creatures" or something, but they didn't seem to have it at dog-eared and i didn't get around to going to the store on divis. maybe one day after work this week i'll go looking for it.

anyway, eventually made my way home and started on that laundry. watched tadpole, which was enjoyable enough, but nothing remarkable, and then worked around anubis to change the sheets on my bed. i've been a slacker lately about housekeeping duties, i'm afraid, with cati and noal here, so i knew i needed to get something done this afternoon, but i haven't done much.

as i was changing the sheets, the afternoon sun was coming through the window and i could tell from the warmth on my head that my hair must have been glowing in the sun and the smell of warm, clean sheets and fabric softener and the homely act of changing the bed with anubis just made me feel very content, but also a little melancholy.

i really am a little lonely, i guess.

on a different topic, here are the notes from my camping trip last weekend. i got a tan.

instead of a regular, open campfire, my uncle created a little portable stove from a washing machine drum and some sort of smoke stack. my cousin's husband starts it with a flame thrower that he lights with a blow torch. really.

all the people camping with us were much older--i was the youngest by about 15 years and there was one woman who was quite a bit older and seemed to think of herself as charmingly candid, but was actually just straight up rude and tactless. she sat across the fire from me and started talking about my hair and saying that i was "just like the osbornes", which i thought was both funny and ridiculous. i hate it when people assume a sort of familiarity with me just so they can insult me with impunity.

my bed in the tent trailer was with bullet, my cousin's german short-haired hunting dog. he's a big dog, about 115 pounds or so, but he's old and he doesn't have much hair, so he gets cold easily. he's a very sweet dog and the thing he wants more than anything seems to be to be reassured and just with someone. he slept right next to me, pressed up with his back against my back as we both slept on our sides. it was my job to keep him covered up with his blanket or he would start to shiver. he liked me so much that he told molly how great i was and the second night i had her with me, too, a little spaniel/terrier mix. my cousin shelley slept until 730 that morning, the latest she said she had slept in years, probably because i had all the dog duty. i'm not much of a dog person, but i didn't really mind. they were sweet. it seems to take so little to make a dog happy. it's sort of heartbreaking, in a way.

the last night i stayed, i went to bed a little earlier than the others--largely to avoid a conversation that was meant to be supportive of me, but ended up being a diatribe by one of bud's brothers about how "foreigners" are getting a free ride in college and i have to pay my own way. anyway, i went to bed and was laying there with bullet and molly and shelley and bud eventually came in, drunk and silly and so obviously in love and happy to be together. it was sweet. they were sort of staggering around and lighting a little propane heater with the ubiquitous blow torch--a little scary, but they dealt with it okay. shelley and bud have been together about 20 years now and they've just moved into their house they put in up at the pond. shelley is wonderful and she deserves to be happy. it was nice to see that she really is. {title=this seems to happen a lot.} {datestamp=200303021641} i had a dream last night that jervis called me up and asked me if i thought it was normal to be lonely. i couldn't tell what he wanted me to say--like, if he wanted me to reassure him that what he was feeling was normal or if he was calling me because he thought that i was worried about how lonely i was. as we were discussing the nature of loneliness, i woke up into a nightmare of a man coming down the hall to my bedroom and dragging me out of the bed. i realized that i wasn't really awake and i didn't need to be afraid right then and the dream shifted again. i was somewhere in the snow. there were large iron ships and train cars abandoned there. i was waiting for someone, but it didn't seem like they were going to show up. i think i was a little girl. i remember that i wasn't cold and there were some flowers in the snow. i remember thinking that i didn't want to forget what jervis had said to me and i was trying to write when the man drug me away, but i could barely hold a pencil and everything i wrote was like my eyes were closed or i was using my wrong hand...i couldn't read it once it was down there and i was frustrated because i didn't want to forget. now that i'm actually writing it, i am frustrated because i have forgotten. {title=dreaming} {datestamp=200303081934} yes, i am a fool.

tonight i managed to snatch near-defeat from the jaws of victory.

i was sitting at the bar, having a lovely time drinking with patrick and talking to a couple next to me about how stupid the war was--though the guy was paying a little too much attention to me and his girlfriend started holding his hand rather obviously, and that made me sad--and then the phone rang and it was carlos and he was saying that his tour had gone long and he wouldn't be able to meet me for an hour or more and i said "okay, well, i was feeling a little weird about the date thing, anyway, and i didn't really want to go out tonight, so maybe that's good!" and we hung up and then i STAYED there, like a fucking idiot, thinking that he wouldn't actually show up and enjoying myself drinking and talking to patrick and listening to the jukebox and then i had a last shot with patrick and put on my hat and patrick convinced me that i had nothing to worry about, so i had another drink and then in walks carlos and sits down next to me and i'm caught like a deer in the headlights.

though i was way cooler than a deer in the headlights, i think.

i was friendly and cordial and def. not date-like and i carried on a nice conversation and then i left with my tail only slightly between my legs.

god, i should have left sooner! i was free!

but i do like patrick and we were having a good little talk and i put a few bucks in the jukebox and i was enjoying the music and i really, really didn't think he was going to show up.

oh, well. i guess i got that "next inter-action after shutting down the date" meeting out of the way sooner than i expected, right?

on a side note, i think i would enjoy running patrick through his paces.

and, yes--i am a fool. {title=avoiding my albatross} {datestamp=200303092058} i just typed up this quote for ann because i liked it and i thought i would share it with the world. well, with ann again, if no one else reads it.

"no man, proclaimed donne, is an island, and he was wrong. if we were not islands, we would be lost, drowned in each other's tragedies. we are insulated (a word that means, literally, remember, made into an island) from the tragedy of others, by our island nature, and by the repetitive shape and form of the stories. the shape does not change: there was a human being who was born, lived and then, by some means or another, died. there. you may fill in the details from your own experience. as unoriginal as any tale, as unique as any life." it's from american gods, by neil gaiman and i'm about half the way through. {title=mr. sandman} {datestamp=200303111446} okay, so i went out to have some drinks with alice this afternoon and then i went to the 3300, by way of my bathroom, and then i spent way too much time there.

i settled in at then end of the bar with a couple old hippies and a day waitress--a nice woman i have seen in there many times before, with her boyfriend--and i actually thought that i could spend some fruitful time talking to this old hippie. he wasn't very old and he was my type, but, to cut to the chase, nothing happened with him. in fact, at some point i asked patrick for a notepad on which i wanted to write the following:

"So, the wind has whispered mary and,at some point, i've had to deal with the fact that an old hippie has shut me down."

but it wasn't all over there and he was still chatting me up and then gary comes up.

gary told me that he has seen me walking by his place one or twice and he's thought about "pulling me in" and i know it's a fairly bad idea, but still i entertain it.

after all, once one has been shut down by a hippie, how bad could sleeping with a drunken irish boy be? he is sort of charming, in his own way, after all. {title=the thirty-three-hundred club} {datestamp=200303162319} there is a handsome boy sending me naked pictures at school. something tells me this is very very wrong, but he is handsome.

*

ah, another lesson for the day...

went to lure out the drunken irishman, but didn't see him, so i actually went to the bar. saw gary sober for the first time and realized that that is why he always picks me up like he's never met me before--he doesn't remember things he does when he's drunk, apparently. when he's bartending, he isn't nearly as much fun. ;)

of course dennis was also a drunken irishman and so very, very handsome. like, super handsome and i'm willing to forgive the blue eyes because they are the good, dark kind. unfortunately he mumbles, doesn't enunciate at all and has such a strong irish accent that i couldn't fucking understand a word he said without making him repeat everything about ten times, which was awkward, at best. breath was also less than fresh. i figured the best thing to do was to let both boys buy me a drink and then to come home and think about why i continue to not take advantage of these boys when i am so obviously dying to let out the whore within. oh, well. {title=oh, my.} {datestamp=200303181204} last night alice came over to get my keys because she will be staying here while i'm gone as a companion to anubis...we went over to the bar for a couple of drinks, but somehow the war was just harshing my mellow. well, that and the incredibly noisy sound of dice cups being continually smashed against the bar. god, why can't people play cards, like civilized folks? always with the dice there.

anyway, dennis was there in a lonely drunken stupor and gary was bartending and it was an average night. then we came home, ate cheese and crackers and discussed the boy situation until alice went home, i changed my sheets and we all, eventually, went to bed.

this afternoon i leave for humboldt as soon as i can skinny out of a really boring meeting. hopefully it will be an easy drive and i'll get in before too late. tomorrow night i believe i will be out socializing with ann and jessica, if anyone wants to mark that on their social calendars, but mostly, i imagine, i'll be hanging out with my mom.

i'll tell you all about it when i get home... {title=ah, the war.} {datestamp=200303200717} had a very satisfying and enjoyable trip up to arcata this weekend...got to see jessica for a while, and caleb, jervis...even jim, and i haven't laid eyes on him in ages. hung around with my mom and was there to comfort her in the moment of need when they cut off her cable and separated her, possibly forever, from hgtv. the drive there was easy as pie and the ride home was a little less pleasant due to some stiff and sore muscles, but it was quick and now i am happily home with anubis on my lap and a hot bath in my future.

god, i can't wait to sleep in my own bed again! {title=sexy results} {datestamp=200303231812} i find those state farm corn dog commercials so disturbing...i mean, they act like these things are pets and then they eat them! and then those horrible little "puppies" and the kid eats them up. bleah.

in other news, i had a random and quite nasty fever last night that made me very miserable. all i could do was roll over from side to side, trying desperately to find the cool side of the pillow.

in other other news, i've had about all i can take of this war business. i dutifully listen to NPR and get all depressed before school and then i don't know what to do with myself. i can't think about it anymore, but i can't not think about it, either. it's not a good time. i feel totally powerless and i just can't help obsessing about the families and the fear and pain and death. {title=i can't be the only one...} {datestamp=200303251711} i was sicker today, so i came home from school and ran an online virus scan that took the entire length of time it took to watch high fidelity plus all the bonus features. then i found that i had some infected files but could do absolutely nothing about it. charming.

now i still have this rotten cold, have the knowledge of some random virus but no way to deal with it.

and did i mention the headache?

oy. {title=what a day} {datestamp=200303261719} from the stuff of life:

"mucus may not be one of the more glamorous molecules in the body, but it certainly is important."

(something i should have learned from this cold, perhaps?) {title=ha!} {datestamp=200303281345} tony and siouxsie drove up today and we went and had breakfast at crepevine and then took the train down to the moma. lots of cool stuff out, though not so much new stuff as i expected. one cool new calder that i hadn't seen out before, though it is a part of their permanent collection...a great retrospect of paul klee--much more than the little room they usually have dedicated to him--really some fascinating stuff. a cool collection of some german photographer's work--forgot his name about three times in the time i was looking at the photos, so damned if i'm going to remember it now. anyway, lots of nice stuff to look at and good company, so that was cool.

it was such a gorgeous day in the city today, too--tshirts felt like too much, it was so warm. we walked around yerba buena gardens and drank some iced tea, went to the container store and walked around in there for a while--tony is one of my only friends who is as into containers and stuff as i am, so we actually had quite a lot of fun with this, particularly in the trash can section, for some reason...

after that we came home, drank some refreshing tall vodka gimlets with club soda and then went to regent thai for all our favorite tasty foodstuffs. then we came home and spent a strangely long amount of time reading through cookbooks, looking for good tofu recipes, i think it was, and recipes for madeleines, for some reason. as i have tons and tons of cookbooks, i guess i'm a good resource for such things.

we were going to get some ice cream at mitchell's, but when we got there our number was 67 and they were only on 45 so we went to the safeway, instead, and got those twix ice cream bars and they were pretty darn tasty, i must say. i feel ridiculously full at this point, as tony and i also had coffee to go along with them and i was still full from the thai food.

the kids just left and i have a half-hearted desire to go to the bar, but that just seems like too much effort for tonight, so i'll probably just stay home and read and go to bed. my throat is miserable, off and on, and that just seems something that i am better able to tolerate at home.

there are two people--maybe more--walking around on the playground with flashlights and i am fairly certain they are looking right into my living room at me as i type this, which is rather weird. sort of cools me down on the idea of going to bed to read...though i suppose i COULD do that without taking off my clothes...

i still can't get over how warm it was today and how warm last night, to be walking around at this time in just a tshirt is amazing. reminds me of the things that i actually liked about the valley and the spring and the warm evenings and tank tops and fruity vodka drinks and old friends.

i don't know what i'm up to tomorrow, but i do know that i need to do laundry, as i've been putting that off since before i went up to arcata...also, might be getting a haircut, as i'm feeling a little shaggy. want to look good for my trip to new york, though, so i need to time the cut and color so it's still fresh, but not bleeding, when i leave. ah, it's rocket science, i tell you! {title=an amazingly pleasant day in the city.} {datestamp=200303292130}