i'm back from a wonderful trip to new york...
<P>well, i've been back for a few days, but i just haven't had the energy or the wherewithal to actually sit down and write about it.<P>
still don't, really.<P>
maybe later.

{title=home again, home again, jiggity jig.}



the night before last i dreamt that i came up out of the sea to this group of people who worshipped this little hut--it was supposed to be there to shelter people coming out of the sea, but no one was allowed to use it anymore because it was too sacred and no one maintained it.  <P>i was trying to waterproof the roof with some sealer and i got busted, so i ran...trying to blend in with a football game and get to someone who would help me.
last night i dreamt that i was at some kind of hippie fest up north with my mom and one of my students saw me smoking dope.  i was out wandering around the town and there was a junk dealer and i was looking through his stuff, but it was so dirty and gross that it wasn't any fun to dig around for treasures--it was just junk.  then there was a huge, horrible earthquake and all the people were running to find doorways and such--there was a carnival and the people on the rides were just swinging around and they didn't seem that concerned but then, suddenly, a whole row of the old victorian homes just sort of sped down the street.<P>
i was worried that i wouldn't be able to find my mom, but i found her right away and no one really seemed to be hurt, though there was a lot of destruction to the property and land.  it sort of went from there to another dream about my dad and mom and sister and we were all together, though my mom and dad weren't married again or anything.  we were looking to move into the old house but the people were still living there and they were either going to die or be moved into a convalescent hospital, so we were going to get to go through all their stuff, but i was mad at my sister because she was already digging through it, even though the people were still there and i didn't think that was right.<P>
my dreams have been very bizarre and vivid lately--maybe because i can sleep later and not be in such a rush in the morning, so i remember them more?
<P>in any case, time for a shower.


what a lot i've been up to lately!  i am feeling like today is the unofficial beginning of the summer vacation i intend to spend lolling around and working on projects and taking it easy.  my visits out into the world and the world's little trips to me will be slowing down, so it's time to catch up here on what's been going on.
well, i started library classes two weeks ago and i like them.  lots of interesting people and the discussions are, well, interesting, though i fail to believe any of it is going to make me a better librarian.

angeliqe was in town visiting for a long weekend and i had lunch downtown with her and with monika.  it was strange--so not my usual setting!  lots of business people and monika in her suit and ang in her usual "cute little outfit", as she always looks very cute, and me.  in my usual sloppy little outfit.
<P>anyway, we had a nice lunch and then i got out late to head to my aunt and uncle's place in calaveras county for family fourth of july festivities the next day.

there is something about driving into the valley that is so intoxicatingly nostalgic for me, especially when it is warm, but not painfully hot.
<P> how can there be so much nostalgia for me in a place i don't even like?
i was driving through farmington and i thought "it must be nice to live here", and i took that little side street, elm, and drove by the little methodist church and the little old house where we lived when i was a tiny kid.  if i hadn't been so late, i'm sure i would have driven over to the farmington school, maybe, and thought about that night with gene.  <P>i'm thinking about it now, actually, even though i didn't go.
<P>maybe it's the feeling of youth and hope and doing things for the first time.
<P>i drove down the straight, flat road out of town and a mediocre song on the radio was perfect as the soundtrack rolls to the movie of my life and i flashback into my past, on the way to a place where a person i don't know will tell me i look like my father, where i'll sit under an oak tree with a group of people all more than forty years older than me, where i'll be with family and drink red wine and wish it could always be like that.
<P> it was a good day.
{title=summer holiday}


i remember being young in the san joaquin valley...before a big storm, the cats would race around the house like mad, ravaging any piece of furniture that fell into their clutches.  my mom always said they were "doing their rain dance". 
i guess they were working to move all that static in the air from expectation to fruition.  i sometimes wished that i could do the same, in all aspects of my life.<P>
i would pace around the house and then flop down on my bed, feeling the vague promise of water on the cool breeze that barely made it through my window.
i would run to the car, when i got a little older, drive out into the country, longing for release and to smell the damp earth and wet asphalt when the rain finally came.<P>
i still love a storm.  a dramatic burst of light, the anticipatory drum of thunder, the eventual pay off of drops pelting the earth, my shoulders, my face as i look up into the sky.<P>
on friday night, the entire sky was pink.<P>
i stayed up late, finishing my book--_the good people of new york_, by thisbe nissen:  pretty good!--and i still couldn't sleep.  i turned off the light and lay in my bed with the window open, looking out at the tall tree between the big-ass mansion behind us and the apartment building next door.  the wind was crazy, as it often is, and the tress was swaying.  the light came from no direction, but the sky was very bright, even though it was 2am.  <P>
then, there was a flash of light--and then another.  i waited for the thunder, but it just never came.<P>
today is very gray and it looks like it might actually rain.<P>
i'm sort of hoping it does.<P>
{title=here comes the rain again}


just back from they might be giants with my friend corey.  <P>we met early and had some fairly unimpressive japanese food first, then went to the fillmore and had a couple of cocktails and played some cribbage before the show.  we were playing in that little bar/food room that faces fillmore and there was a fairly horrible singer/guitarist from fresno--who incorporated the word "fresno" into his name, but not at the beginning, at the end, where it seemed even odder than it would have been at the beginning--and i was fairly mortified both that he was so bad and that he was trying to encourage audience participation, which is just always mortifying for me, even if the performer is good.  (well, unless john linnel asked me to participate in loving him.  i could do that.)
<P>the opening act was noe venable and she was pretty cool--she's a good songwriter, though a little repetitive.  i liked the last song she did, which was about feral cats.<P>"i want to run 'til my feet bleed, all the way to the ocean..."
<P>the johns and the dans were good tonight, though not as alive as the last show i saw.  i still think john linnel is about the perfect man, even though he's getting older.  when they played "birdhouse", i was falling in love all over again.
<P>there was a boy in front of me at the show who reminded me of the mr. potatohead guy who dissed me in arcata.  he was very clean-cut--short hair, slightly dorky.  i have this thing when i'm in crowds...i will fixate on certain people and i just want to become involved in their lives for some reason.  i like clean cut boys, but i've never really been involved with one before.  (tonight didn't change my record--potatohead 2, electric boogaloo, left with his uberdork friend and i never even touched him.)
<P>after the show corey and i ran into one of my former students and favorite people, mickey.  i really like mickey and it makes me sad that i never see him.  it's hard when you teach high school because you do get attached to kids and then they move on, but most of them i understand and let go.  mickey i would like to actually be my friend if he would.  i mean, i do have friends my own age and all that--i hope he doesn't think i'm grasping for youth or anything.  and there is certainly nothing unsavory on my mind for him, despite what one might assume from my track record with young boys.
<P>anyway, saw mickey for a bit and then dropped corey off at home and picked jessica up at cati's and then we drove around forever looking for parking once we got home.  now she's in the shower and i'm sitting here and i think i'm going to just make her bed, brush my teeth and hit the sack.
<P>i'm tuckered out!<P>
let's hope for pleasant dreams of my ideal man, mr. john linnel.
<P>mmmm.<P>john linnel...
{title=they might be giants!}


i seem to be sort of ridiculously busy, with social stuff and with work stuff, too, and this is my summer!  <P>
i know i have more leisure time than the average person, since i'm not officially working this summer, but i still find that i have something planned almost every single day and that sort of weirds me out, even though they are usually nice enough things that i have planned and all that.  <P>the MLS program is off and running, with me in its teeth and it's fun in an exhausting way.  i've been hanging around with a great woman named alice who has been good at keeping me working instead of procrastinating all the time, as is my nature.  i had a suggestive dream about one of the other library students, too--scandal!  i don't think i'll have a chance to make my dreams come true, but it will add some spice to our last class in two weeks!
<P>i spend at least a day or two a week in my library, because i'm crazy like that.
<P>my friend anna moved here from new york a while back, and i see her now and then...we're going to the movies tomorrow.
<P> one of my former students came over yesterday and i spent the evening corrupting the young, smoking dope and watching <i>naked lunch</i> with him.  he's a good kid--i'm glad he's moving on with his life.
<P>other stuff is swirling around, too.  as i said, it's mostly good stuff, i'm just not used to having so little down time.  my mom is coming up this weekend and then paul is here pretty much right after that.
<P>which is all good!
<P>it's just a lot of stuff.
<P>(this is a good time to make a blanket apology if i owe you an email:  sorry!)
{title=where does the time go?}


i've dreamt of libraries the last three nights.
<P>i love it!
{title=you are what you dream?}


july 2002

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