well, lots and lots of people just rang in the new year in my neighborhood--which woke me up, as i passed out with a bad headache and too much mid-day fun around 6pm. now i am sort of awake and not really sure what to do with myself, huge amounts of fluid still taking up way too much room in my sinuses and headache still a strong memory and lingering threat.
happy new year!
i sort of have given up on celebrating the coming of the new year after 2000. it was sort of the last straw, more or less, though it's an inclination not to celebrate and not a hard and fast rule. if you're making out your party invitation list for next year, don't mark my name off automatically--i might change my mind! but, really, after two break ups and a seriously unfortunate event which all went down on new year's eve, it's just lost its allure for me, i guess.
that or i'm just grumpy from this damn cold that will not leave me alone.
so, i wonder what 2003 will hold for me...i guess time will tell, but hope for the best.
{title=happy new year.}

well, i spent the last day of my winter holiday with such a horrible hangover that i was throwing up well into the afternoon and early evening--haven't had one of those in years! i can only vaguely remember what alice and i got ourselves into the night before, but i don't think it was anything too terrible. i know that we started drinking at home, then we went up to delerium and had a couple there--i remember an old guy coming right up next to me so that he was almost touching me, then stealing the eric's tips off the bar and walking out. he said something to me before he did it, like "this is how it is" or "here it goes" or something, and i was quite surprised by the whole thing. i think he took about three or four of my dollars there for our drinks and i don't know what he might have gotten further up the bar before i made his acquaintance.
after that, we gathered our things and walked to our home away from home, the 3300 club, where they have a somewhat unfortunate habit of live music on saturday nights that goes on pretty much until closing time, it seems. it's not that it's bad music at all--they're talented and a good time--but it just makes for limited chatting and all that. at one point i spilled my perfume on the bar, which was both smelly and embarassing.
we stayed on until after closing time with patrick, the cute bartender, which was a first. some other woman came in, went behind the bar and made us some shots that really put me over the edge i could only vaguely remember after the shots of tequilla patrick was making us share with him. alice says patrick's girlfriend came in at the end of the night, as we were staggering out, but i can't remember her to save my life. i only remember getting up on the bar and leaning over to have strong words with him about the fact they have taken the patsy cline out of the jukebox...
it was an enjoyable night, but not really worth the hangover. of course, all the imagineable permutations that would have made it worth the hangover would have been ruined by the copious amount of vomit, urging to breathe free. nasty.
today's return to work after holiday went okay, i suppose. i hated to hear that 630 alarm, but i got up fairly on time and made it to school only slightly late to find--of course--that no one had opened the library and that i had forgotten my keyes...which reminds me that i should put them in my purse right now! cristian, my new library technical aide, is supposed to start tomorrow morning, thankfully, so i won't have to spend another day alone, calling the vice principal when i have to pee so she can mind the fort. kind of takes away from the feeling of adult authority when one has to raise her hand and be granted permission to go to the bathroom.
stopped by trader joe's for soy milk and frozen strawberries, but there seems to be some frozen strawberry famine in the city, as i didn't get any. i'll try the safeway again tomorrow. the flaxseed oil and almonds are not enough to carry my interest without the strawberries blended in.
when i got home i watched my usual guilty pleasure of "sabrina, the teenaged witch" at five and then i've been pretty much reading <I>the amazing adventures of kavalier and clay</I> since then until just now, when i thought i would check to see if anyone had sent me a love note.
just so you know, no one has. the position is open.
now i'm either going to go back to reading, possibly in bed for the added warmth or maybe i'll indulge in a nice hot bath first...always a pleasure.
{title=the new year thus far.}

i went through a period a while back where i could just barely make myself go to the movies--and i <I>love</I> movies!--because it was just such a frustrating experience for me. last night was sort of like that whole feeling all over again.
i went to go see <I>catch me if you can</I> with my friend anna at the metreon. i was already a little flustered because i was late and had forgoten her gifts, one of the main reason i wanted to get together with her, but we had dinner and calmed down and then it was time for the movie. people got up, moved around, a cell phone rang TWICE in the hands of the same person, the people behind us talked almost constantly, the smell of hot dogs and chicken strips made me want to vomit...it was just everything i hate in a movie. well, everything except a crying baby, i guess.
the movie, itself, also seemed a little dull and long, but maybe i would have liked it better if i wasn't becoming enraged at the audience's total lack of manners and humanity, in general.
well, at least it was nice to see anna!
{title=catch me if you can...}

i found this written on a cocktail napkin in my coat pocket--i totally forgot writing it:
<P>"so, did you tell the guy i liked him?"
<P>"yep, i talked to him. he likes you."
<P>"then it's totally my move."
<P>"well, what about that guy JR?"
<P>"oh, yeah, i've been calling him JR..."
<P>it was funny--i overheard these two girls talking in the ladies' room of delerium and it reminded me so much of both high school AND of when i first started whoring about in bars that i wrote it down. that's all i could get on the napkin without looking like a freak, i guess, because that's all i wrote.
<P>this morning i woke up and cleaned the bathroom and colored my hair and changed the bed and then fell asleep on it with anubis for a while. woke up to anna and david coming by for a while and i finally gave her the gifts i kept forgetting to pass along and then i ate pumpkin muffins i made and now i don't know what to do with myself for a while.
<P>i've had what i guess can best be described as a "nervous stomach"...i feel all like i'm waiting for something or that something is about to happen or that i'm nervous, i guess, but i can't figure out why. i blamed it on the morning coffee, but that doesn't seem to be it, after all.
<P>i imagine it will go away soon. hope so, or i won't be able to go drinking with alice!
{title=saturday smells like pumpkin muffins.}

i had this dream this morning that i was in a vacation sort of trailer park for RVs and camping. i was with my mom and my sister, though we were all a bit younger. still adults, but maybe ten or fifteen years younger. anyway, we're in this campground with william shatner, TJ hooker era, with the dark hair. he and my mom seem to be flirting and getting it on somehow. <P>i found my old cat snowball--he didn't look so good, but he's been dead for almost 20 years, so i imagine that would have to take it out of one. i was playing with him, but i had to leave him behind at the campground because we were leaving. my mom and shatner were being totally unfeeling about it and didn't care that the cat wanted to stay with me and that i was totally crying and upset.
<P>i took the cat down to the lakeshore and was talking to him and i left him and then ran to the trailor. it was very sad and very strange.

just back from going to the movies with Jeffrey.
i love taking the train at night and looking in everyone's well-lit windows and seeing a man in a restaurant that i might know in a different life or might know in this one if he would get up off his ass, leave his cheap girlfriend in the sushi place and come with me into the night.
{title=the days and the hours.}

i was dead drunk and i was sitting on the front steps of an apartment building--the wide kind of front landing that they don't really have in SF...it seemed east coast, and it was the middle of the night. i decided that i needed to move, needed to go to the store, so i started staggering along in the gutter, but i could hardly stay upright. then i heard the sound of a horse on the pavement and i looked around and there was a little guy riding a donkey about to pass me. i tried to get him to give me a ride, but he just kept going. behind him was another man walking--he helped me to steady up a bit and walked me to some dance or something, though we didn't go in. his name was tom and it seemed that we already knew each other, but i couldn't remember from where or when.
i was out in the country, there were two pigs in a pen and some chickens walking around. i was driving my mom's old datsun up a dirt road. i remember it like it was a television show i watched but didn't pay close enough attention to to remember. i dreamt that i was writing it down as it happened, so i didn't have to remember it.
<P>i was walking with my old friend sheila by a canal and she was pregnant. she slipped and was walking in the shallow water and then slid down into the deep water, but she wasn't hurt and got out.
<P>i was in an old house, trying to find the bathroom. all the floor was wet and sinks and toilets were overflowing onto the floor. i couldn't decide if i needed to care and try to fix it or if i should just ignore it and go out again.

i was staying in a place that was like a resort--it had a big canal and delta into the ocean and these huge--like, way more massive than a real-life ship--vessels started to go by, some all covered with lights like it was a parade. then two of the ships started to try to pass going in different directions--one was an old, rusty thing that looked like unpainted iron that hadn't gotten on well with the sea and the other was twice as large and shiny, seeming sort of like a speedboat, only thousands of times the size. the big boat basically shoved the iron one out of the way--i went out to watch to see what would happen with lou silberman, a man i work with occasionally, and the iron boat snapped in two and then those pieces further broke until the whole thing shattered and made a wave that got us both wet to just above the knees.
<P>then i went to stay with some friends of mine, but apparently not close friends, because when i got there, both people i went to see had dates and my ex boyfriend jason was there, among other people, none of whom were very friendly to me. i had a small kitten that i was trying to keep track of and people kept leaving the door open and doing things like blowing smoke in the cat's face. i wanted to talk to jason, but i didn't know what i wanted to say and he just acted like it was nothing that he would be there.
<P>i went shopping with one of the people and she was looking for little casket-shaped toys or boxes...i found one <I>nightmare before christmas</I> pencil box and i tried to ask the cashier if there might be more somewhere and even though there were about ten people working in the store, decorating for halloween, the woman said they were too busy to help me.
<P>then we went to visit another house and evil joe was there with a girl we went to high school with. also ann. ann had this big, probably 2x3 foot sort of magic slate thing that i was playing with and she was acting like i was going to break it or something and i was upset because i seemed to be the only person in the house who wasn't careless and breaking things. i was still worried about the cat getting out and i kept trying to put it into things, like a big tea kettle and a glass cupboard, so that it wouldn't dart out when people kept leaving the door open.
{title=dreaming again.}

what a busy week! i am so happy to think that tomorrow is friday and then the glory of sleeping late to be had on saturday morning. well, after i get up at 630 and feed anubis and then crawl back into bed, that is, of course.
<P>just got back from doug's place in west oakland. the loft across the hall from his is still vacant--it's huge and such a cool space but i couldn't afford it alone, even though it's cheap and i really wouldn't want to move...but the thought of all that space! i get all excited just thinking about it. anyway, had a nice time with doug, though we watched <I>final fantasy</I> which had more plot holes than one would think imaginable, but it did look fairly cool. scary how many parallels between bush and iraq and the evil general wanting to go ahead and bomb the shit out of the crater, no matter what. i loved the logic--this woman is infected with the enemy...so we should bomb the enemy! yeah, that's cogito ergo sum.
<P>now it's 1030 and i think i'm going to read my book for a while and hit the hay. honestly, this is the latest i've stayed up all week. it's been sort of weird and creepy, actually--i've been dead on my feet and falling asleep by 8pm every night this week. sometimes i try to fight it, but it just feels so good to sleep! i think only people who have trouble sleeping can really appreciate the joy sleep brings...the absolute pleasure of it. anyway, i fall irresisibly asleep at 830 and then wake up a couple of hours later, still exhausted, but unable to go back to sleep. it's a new wrinkle on the old insomnia and i'm not sure i appreciate it, but that first couple hours of sleep are utterly blissful.
<P>tomorrow afternoon is a teacher wing-ding at marilyn's and then i'm going out with alice for our usual in the evening after that. should be a fairly mellow weekend, as my saturday plans fell through. probably have a substance abuse brunch with jeffrey somewhere in there, as he gets back from DC tomorrow. i snuck in and cleaned some of the spots on his carpet for him while he was gone. i wonder if he'll even notice...
<P>okay! to bed for me and anubis. i'll lure her in with treats and pretend it's love. we do what we must.
{title=sleepy, but no dreams yet.}

a friend sent me this this morning: <P>
i was reading a book the other day and here's the passage that reminded me
of you.
I divide my time as follows: half the time I sleep, the other half I
dream. I never dream when I sleep, for that would be a pity, for sleeping
is the highest accomplishment of genius.
er its from either/or by s. kierkegaard<P>...
<P>i called in sick today so i could sleep late, but i woke up and couldn't stop thinking thoughts that i didn't want to think, so i couldn't go back to sleep. now i am thinking that i could just take a shower and go into work late...or maybe just go downtown and distract myself with something, though i'm totally broke and it's harder to have distractions downtown with no money.
<P>i'll think of something.
{title=to sleep...perchance to dream.}

so the night really started when ron came in, talking about a woman wearing see-through pants, working up the street. patrick was intrigued, but he couldn't leave the bar, so he sent mike to check it out. before this time, mike had been trying to chat up me and alice, but was sitting three seats away and mumbling, so it wasn't going over well...though he did buy us a shot of orangina.
<P>anyway, patrick sent him down to the international club to corraborate the story and he came back looking a little disturbed. he seemed to have lost that lovin' feeling. ron, on the other hand, was ready to supply us with a visual aid--an artist's rendering of said see-through pants. i asked him what she was wearing on top. the response: "who CARES?!"
<P>the rest of the night, ron maintained base camp next to alice, talking to me about a variety of social issues. alice said that he smelled of mothballs and we eventually left. i was just relieved that, for once, the freaky bad-smelling guy wasn't sitting right next to me.
{title=saturday night.}

yesterday was not such a great day, and that's not got anything to do with sports. i had a date with a guy i really liked...we'd been exchanging email like a house on fire and we seemed to be really well suited to each other. i developed quite a little crush before we met and i thought that he had, too. he brought me a very sweet little present and we had drinks and walked and talked. we didn't dash headlong into each other's arms or anything, but i thought we were getting along well enough...but i just knew it wasn't going anywhere and, sure enough, got home to a "no chemistry" email that was the nail in the coffin.
<P>i don't know if i quite get the chemistry thing, i guess. obviously, i don't <I>have</I> the chemistry thing! it seemed so definitive and it hurt my feelings, too, but obviously there is nothing i can do about that. i know i'm a little overly sensitive about things, but i really thought of this date as different. the other bad dates were just dates that never got off the ground. <P>this felt like getting dumped.
{title=if it weren't for disappointment, i wouldn't have any appointments...}