the things sitting around are a stab, every time i see them, but now that i've started to gather them up...the holes where they used to be are gaping wounds. i keep trying to remind myself that she isn't going to need this stuff anymore. she's not going to come back and be upset that i got rid of the blue mouse with the red tail that was always in the hallway even though i never saw her play with it, but we just apparently liked it there. i can't leave it there, obviously. i think i'll gather some of the things and put them in the "anubis" card catalog drawer. even if she didn't like the blue mouse in particular, it was hers and it was ours, together. it's going to be hard to throw away the bed i made for her. really hard. i can't decide if that's the "rip it off quick like a bandaid" thing or if i should let myself get used to the idea for a while, first. of course the blue mouse is now sitting in the bed--i don't remember putting it there, but i might have...or maybe cati or kym saw it in the hall and thought it would be better somehow, out of sight there. i feel kind of numb right now and i feel guilty about not feeling worse, but i think i'm just spent. i haven't slept more than a couple of hours in the last few days and i've cried and not-cried more than i have in a long time. i remember when i found out gary died a couple of weeks ago (great month. fucking brilliant.) and i cried i thought that it was the first time in a long time that i'd cried like that. well,

it's not a patch on things to come, baby.

the most comforting thing is that it can only happen once. i keep thinking that to myself--i dreaded it and worried about it for so long and now it's happened. it's horrible, but it's happened and now i just have to deal with it.